Loyal readers are well aware that I love me some Jesus. I think his work is fab, despite the fact that he has not put anything out for a couple of millenia. He’s like the Beatles: timeless. Jesuscon, however, needs some freshening up. I’ll give credit to the organizers for their multiple site approach, but the talent needs to look for some more innovative material if they really want to keep their fan base. We are talking about people who have a choice between attending a live event (Jesuscon insiders call this “church”) or watching Mo Rocca on CBS Sunday Morning. It’s a tough call, and because I love me some Jesus, I have a few suggestions.
1) Make the Eucharist an all-you-can eat thing. Not a buffet, because nothing says “I care about you” than having a bishop stick his fingers in your mouth. What I am suggesting is that one little wafer or hunk of pita isn’t cutting it. In fact, Cheerwine Krispy Kremes would, in my humble opinion, do much more to uphold the verisimilitude of the liturgy of the table. Once a dude is kneeling at the altar, go ahead and fill him up. If the wine holds out, this will make the closing hymn much more rousing.
2) Make the offering a 50/50 raffle. Each ticket could be based on a percentage of income given up to the Biblically mandated tithe. If you think about it, it is in the Church’s interest to redistribute the wealth around so that a lot more people have more to include in their 10%. You’ll get a bounce in visitors too. I guarantee.
3) In addition to asperges, give the congregation the opportunity to throw toast, hot dogs, and other food items at specific points in the service. If possible, make sure priests look like Tim Curry or Susan Sarandon. Instead of kneeling for confession, invite those who are able to take a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips. You see where this is going.
4) Employ a sound effects person to accompany the Gospel readings. It can be so difficult for the modern person to understand the context of ancient Galilee. Why not have plenty of goat noises, slapping sandals, and moaning beggars? This would really put people into the frame of mind of an OG (as the Original Galileans are known at Jesuscon.)
These are just a few ideas I have. If you are ordained in any mainline denomination, or the Church of the Sub-Genius, please feel free to try these out. I will be curious to hear how things come off. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to set up my DVR to tape the sermon while I’m home watching Mo.