The final shriek from the bedroom was, “This is the worst birthday ever!” Within three minutes, Tallulah was asleep. To be fair, I have to agree with her from a subjective point of view. In the 8 that she has celebrated with us, this was probably Tallulah’s worst so far. There have been a couple where all the presents were synchronized in such a way where things got awesomer and awesomer. Last year, there were 5 or 6 friends and make your own stuffed animals.
This year there were grey low-hanging clouds. My sweet lady was laid up with a fever of 101. Between the stack of plates in the sink and the wrapping paper all over the living room, I was fighting for sanity and cleanliness at the same time. This while engaged in a mopping up operation against my own nasty head cold. So, while she had plenty of presents to open, a cake, and some time with Palindrome swimming and hanging out, this was probably the worst birthday she had experienced in her brief little life.
And while I am aware of the things I could have done to make it better, I’m also aware that I was incapable of doing them. Kind of like I am aware that people run sub-five minute miles but am unable to run a sub five minute mile myself. What I was able to provide for Tallulah yesterday was the best I could give yesterday. Feeling guilty about that is not going to change it.
Nor is being pissed at my folks for the things they were not able to do for me. I should be clear that we had a nice house, plenty of food, and strong support for education in the home I grew up in. On the other hand, both of my parents had kind of burned out on active childrearing by the time I, the forth of four, came along. Relationships with work and the brothers Gallo sometimes took precedence.
The causes were not as clear as the effect, which I took as a personal assault, but which I don’t really see that way anymore. I think they did the best they could at the time. It was not always great, but it wasn’t always bad either. With some notable exceptions, I think most parents operate this way. We screw up on purpose or without even trying. We don’t do things we should, like help find a pair of gloves, because we get distracted by things like blogging. Like my folks before me, I am not always the best parent around. I am always doing the best I can at the time.