I’ve said that I am sorry a lot more often than I have wanted forgiveness. I’ve said I’m sorry in the hopes that this is what would work. I want to be thought well of, and I’ll do any number of things I should not for a favorable evaluation. That includes acting contrite when I do not feel contrite. It makes me look like a decent guy, but it increases my knowledge that I’m a jerk. If you want to know if I’m truly sorry, ask me if I think I was wrong.
My dramatic skills only go so far, and I’m a bad liar anyway. If I hedge on the question of being wrong, that not only means I think I’m right, it means I’m not really sorry at all. If I think I’m right this time, then I’ll be right next time too, right? So why would I change how I act, and who is truly sorry but will not change their behavior? When I want you to know that I am truly sorry, I’ll tell you I was wrong.
Deep down, I don’t want to be wrong because being wrong means wronging someone. Nobody wants to be an ass, or worse. And of course I am most blind to the biggest wrongs I have perpetrated. For those wrongs, there is no real way to make them right. Not that they are so huge, but the moment is gone. Righting wrongs is not what forgiveness is about anyway.
Asking forgiveness, making amends, whatever you want to call it, is about being honest. The truth doesn’t fix everything, but it lets people live again. If you were wondering whether it was something about you or something about me, and I confirm that it was something about me, you can get on to the next question. And even if you choose not to, I can.