Nothing left to lose

They’re right, you know. Tattoos hurt. Not like getting shot, but like getting poked by a sharp needle a lot over the course of a couple of hours. That is, after all, what is happening. I did not really know that when I showed up at the Ace of Spades Tattoo shop. I mean, I did know it, yet I had not really processed it. I knew that they had what I wanted, a knack for an authentic tattoo. One that looked kind of like this:

And it was fine that it hurt, because I was kind of hurting.  This ground has been covered already, but Mama died and that sucked.  So, I got a tattoo.  My first, as I think I have said.  I was also working a job that required me to present myself as way more together than I was (or am, or for that matter than any person is.  Sick.  Different story.)  Except that having the tattoo helped me remember who I am, who I loved, and who I wanted to be.

And I would drive around with my sleeve rolled up, hanging out of the car window while I blasted Amy Winehouse.  “Rehab” was the big hit of course, but I was digging “You Know That I’m No Good” more.  The frustrating thing about being a drunk, or a druggie, or whatever is not being blind to the damage you are doing, it’s being constantly aware of screwing the pooch.  You know it’s a bad idea before you go there, but you go there anyway.  All that stuff about expecting different results or just not thinking at all are tools for rationalization.  Every person who is hooked knows precisely what they are doing, whether they are conscious of it or not.  Ergo the more drinking.

So I was into the song.  It also happens to feature the Dap-Kings.  Yes, those Dap-Kings.  As in Sharon Jones and the ….  Club DJ cum Producer Mark Ronson worked the denizens of Daptone and the Diva of Dope into a mighty conflagration worthy of her voice and the music.  Of course it was burning way too bright, but that’s what we loved about it.  It burned through the chill in my soul when not much else could get in there.  Thank you Amy.  I’m sorry that you are gone.