And lo, and angel of the Lord came upon him. And the angel said, “GREETINGS D, FULL OF … what? oh I see now. Sorry. Maybe I should put my glasses on. Ok, here we go … FULL OF SANUK. BLESSED ARE YOU AMONG FARANG, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG ZUZU TOO. Can I stop doing THE VOICE now? Frankly I don’t think it is all that impressive, and it is making my throat hurt. Yes, I know Archangels are not supposed to need glasses or get sore throats, but you try doing this for 6 or 8 or 10 millenia and see how your pipes hold up. I’m just saying.
“Anyway, I did not come here to talk about me. I came here to talk about you. We’ve got some special plans for you. And by ‘we’ of course I mean ‘He’ with the big ‘H.’ Don’t try to pin me down on which ‘He’ because there are three of them and they all look the same to me. I’m not totally sold on the ‘He’ thing either. Have you ever seen that SNL skit with the s/he called Pat? Exactly. ‘He’ has let ‘Himself’ go a little bit since the ascension, if you know what I’m saying.
“Sorry, scope creep. The point is that He wants you to do something. It’s just a little thought experiment to prove the limits of human knowledge and the fact that, for all y’alls ‘major advances’ in ‘science’ and ‘medicine’ you really don’t know jack when it comes to your own bodies, much less the WHOLE OF CREATION. Sorry, I should have warned you. It’s just that WHOLE OF CREATION sounds better in the voice, right? I know! I keep getting calls ever since the voiceover guy for the movie previews bought it.
“So anyway, here’s the deal. You’re going to have a little burning and a little bleeding. You’ll wonder if maybe there is more happening in those Forest Service latrines than you even imagined. (And I don’t recommend taking a black light in there, by the way.) You’ll have plenty of undignified exams, and go ahead and plan on not taking that Disneyworld trip of a lifetime. That budget has now been re-allocated.
“In the end there will be no definitive answers. Not that you are baffling the whole of modern science, it’s just that there will be no trace of whatever it was that turned your urinary tract like unto that of a girl who has not mastered the front-to-back concept. And everyone will realize once again how limited is your puny little store of ‘knowledge’ compared to the vast MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE. Everyone, of course, meaning you, perhaps your Sweet Lady, and that dude in Beaufort who will come across your blog post while he is sandal shopping.”