So there I was, driving down the road at the end of another hectic yet satisfyingly productive day, basking in the knowledge that a new coffee shop is due to open right across the street in a few days, when all of a sudden, I find out that the President can take over all forms of broadcast communication at any time. That’s right, radio, tv, cable, satellite, satellite radio, hd radio (yeah you too, geeks) and even certain new fangled TiVOs. All at once. By flipping a switch.
This sort of freaked me out. Maybe because I am way too into Sheppard Fairey’s artwork or perhaps because I have listened to just enough right-wing nut jobs or probably because I need to relax. It just seemed Orwellian that the President can suddenly appear in the middle of a “Movie That Rocks” on VH1. Sure, if I’m screwing around watching SPIKE TV, I deserve to get interrupted. What if it is a brand new 30 Rock though? And seriously, what’s up with the watchus interruptus ability when we have such a tremendous number of ways to get a message out.
Well, it turns out that the system they were testing (the National EAS) up there in Alaska has been around in some form or another for 50 years. It’s never been used because we do have a tremendous number of ways to get a message out to people. I think that if it ever were used, we might hear — and possibly see — something like this:
“Please stand by for a message from the President of the United States.”
“My fellow Americans, I am addressing you from the Oval Office of the White House. You may be wondering why, at a time like this, I have chosen to be here rather than in a bunker somewhere out in West Virginia. Well, given what is coming at us, I’m not sure it makes a hell of a lot of difference. If we do make it through the next 90 minutes, then I definitely do not want to be roughing it in Greenbrier County, which went 56% for Whatsis. So, I’m just going to chill out right here with my family. Michele, my lovely wife, who I never fully appreciated and to whom I failed to show gratitude equal with what I felt; and my two lovely daughters from whom the adventures of maturing into adulthood are being robbed.
Yes, we’ll be right here, fiddling while Rome burns. Some of you may have fantasized about what you would do with your last hour on Earth. It’s time to make those dreams a reality, people. Then, roughly 89 minutes from now, you may want to grasp something which holds special religious significance to you or, if you are not a believer, finish getting stinking drunk. Either way, we’ll find out who was right pretty soon.
Finally, I encourage you not to spend the next 88 and a half minutes rioting, looting, or otherwise causing a ruckus. Because, really, what’s the point? Let’s keep this thing as calm and orderly as we possibly can. Thank you for your cooperation. Good luck, and God bless the United States of America”
And no offense to the President, but can we get Sully to do this one?