It is a wonder I did not die of e-coli somewhere around 16 years old. According to this story in the Sunday NY Times, I should have been paralyzed by the nastiness of the frozen hamburger patties I ate at a rate of like two a day. Mama got the big bags of cow flesh at Sam’s Club because, in her estimation, there was nothing like some food to keep you happy. Plus, I was a teenage boy whose appetites were at least typical for his gender and age. I always thought I was big, but it turns out all my siblings were skinny.
The best thing in the world to go along with two double patty hamburgers with swiss cheese and A-1 Steak Sauce are Ore-Ida Tater Tots. (As I write this, I realize that said tots are likely a product of Oregon and Idaho. I know this because I am both a sharp marketeer and a skilled, though amateur, geographer.) Potatoes may be the most delicious, most fulfilling, food in the world. Tater tots are their highest expression as readily available in your grocer’s freezer isle.
By the way, do you remember the long isles of freezers that you just reached down into and got out the foods? I reckon they still have those for the meats, but I don’t eat the meats no more. They used to have ice cream and frozen peas and lemonade concentrate in those things. Now these items are imprisoned behind much more efficient glass doors which are always foggy because some jackass is standing two doors down with the thing open looking for Chunkey Monkey.
But you used to be able to get Tater Tots by just reaching down and plucking them out of the freezer bin. There also used to be a commercial with a little girl who loved to eat tater tots and tap dance on linoleum floors. In the hook, she said, “The world would be perfect if it were covered in linoleum and I could eat tater tots all the time.” Indeed, young Savion Glover in a girl’s body, indeed.
My world will be closer to perfect this evening, when I sit down to Fantastic Nature Burgers and Cascadian Farms Tater Pups. Sure, the freezer case is a freezer chest, my tots are coming from a place with reasonable, single payer health care, and I have to mix my own burger patty, but these things are a small price to pay for perfection. The Buddha did not become enlightened in a day.