Yesterday was one of those falling off the rope swing kind of days for me. Sure, I had heard that the markets were going a little bit crazy, but that is not necessarily news in this era. The whole thing is self-correcting; therefore I have nothing to worry about. This is really all about those crazy Greeks and their “opah!” approach to capital expenditures, right? As the day progressed, I got a bit more nervous. Got this little side project going to corner the market on personal lubricants, and P&G’s volatility was bumming me out. So I got on the horn to my investment house, Gekko, Fox & Co. It’s a little bit hard to get my man Bud on the phone, but I was finally able to get Managing Director R. Ashon Al-Mark-Et on the line. Here’s how the conversation went:
SD: “Hey, Ashon?”
RM: “DUDE!”
SD: “You sound happy.”
RM: “Why not? We’re fixin’ to get RICH bitches!”
SD: “Um, ok.”
RM: “Hells yeah! BP is going cheap, brother. This whole “oil spill” thing is great for bargain hunters.”
SD: “That’s awful. People are getting wiped out down there.”
RM: “Fuck’em. I’m RICH!”
SD: “Well, you might want to check the Dow.”
RM: “Why? What? Oh SHIT! [muffled by hand over the phone] Bud, dump our stocks and buy some gold STAT! [back on phone] It’s cool D, what’ the problem?”
SD: “I was just thinking that this might not be the best time for me to go forward with this lube thing.”
RM: “Don’t be a punk, dude. This is just a market correction. You’re just not hip to the logic of the markets [hand over phone] NO, I SAID SELL THAT CRAP. WE NEED A FIREBASE IN KURGYSTAN AND 45 PALLETS OF TASTYBITE. AND SOME BEER.”
SD: “Are you sure everything is ok?”
RM: “PALAK PANEER, CHANA SAAG, WHO GIVES A SHIT! JUST MAKE SURE THOSE PRICKS AT MERRILL DON’T FIND OUT. [hand off phone] No, D, seriously. You’ve taken a long position in the personal lubrication market, and I support your strategy. We have to be prepared to weather market blips like this one. [hand again] DO NOT CALL YOUR FAMILY TED, THAT 4 YEAR OLD IS A BLABBER MOUTH.”
SD: “So you are saying that this will all pan out. How long will that take?”
RM: “I am looking at year over year projections of 3 to 4 hundred basis points for Q3, and Q4 [hand] BOOK US ON EL-AL, OR EMIRITES, OR WHATEVER! JUST GET US THE FUCK OUT OF NEW YORK [hand] so you should be good by FYE 2013.”
SD: “I don’t understand a word you are saying and 2013 sounds a long way away. I’m worried we won’t have enough money for Tallulah’s braces. Wait, hold on a second …. Ok, looks like the Dow is on it’s way back up. Do you know what’s up with that?”
RM: “Invisible hand, dude, invisible hand [visible hand] SIT DOWN BUD! TED, GET US OUT OF THAT F’ING GOLD POSITION. THOSE AIR INDIA TICKETS DAMN WELL BETTER BE REFUNDABLE.”
SD: “So, we may still be good on the lube thing?”
RM: “Totally Bro, totally. Just call me tomorrow and we’ll get it all fixed up.”
SD: “Great! That’s a load off. I was beginning to lose faith in the rationality of the market.”
RM: “Dude, trust me, it’s all good. Do you want some Massie stock?”